I believe we are connected more deeply when we receive the feelings and needs being expressed rather than the thought." I do think it's true that practicing NVC can lead to a sense of there being disadvantages to some of the ways that people conventionally think about "boundaries." You say "Dr. Rosenberg equates anger with the desire to find fault; he writes that anger 'indicates that we have moved up to our head to analyze and judge somebody' (p.143). What is metacommunication - Free Range Lawyers It is automatic. I read through a bunch of relationship advice books recently looking for some good bits that might be helpful to pass along to readers. NVC has an implicit premise that our culture overly encourages us to use strategies that have an adversarial nature, and that we would often be more likely to enjoy what happens if we act from a state of mind informed by empathic insight and compassionwhile still fully honoring what is important to us. Fight spam! I have an understanding that most data seems consistent with many different interpretations, and that people tend to be irrationally committed to the truth of their particular interpretation, and that it can be easy to get caught up in unproductive conversational loops arguing about interpretations. Note to self: Ive seldom seen this taught formally. Furthermore, part of our work in The Crucible Projectis the encouraging of each person to practice clean talk communication. To avoid this, strive to deliver whole messages when speaking with your significant other. Loving relationships are the most important factor in a mans happiness, success, and ability to live a fully flourishing life. This is true of communication between our body systems as well. cisco sd-wan cloud onramp for saas deployment guide clean talk communication. People often get caught up in believing that their interpretations are true to an extent that leaves them caught in an unhelpful trap. A while ago, a colleague brought to my attention aessay comparing a communication practice called "Clean Talk" with Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in quite some detail. The logic for steering away from interpretations seems to me less universally relevant than does the logic for avoiding moralistic judgments. I converse at the level of interpretations much of the time. There are some things that Rosenberg spoke about with less precision than I would like, and anger is one of them. We might then name I feel angry but in a way that energetically does not dump our anger onto the other person, because we trust that the anger doesnt represent our deepest truth. I personally advise my students NOT to use the word need when speaking using NVC, to minimize the likelihood of such misunderstandings. In my judgment, hiding what you're doing is a form of deception, and deception is a form of violence." I might or might not share that I was initially angry, as a way of helping the other person understand my full experience, but I wouldnt be dumping my angry energy on them, and Id ideally be speaking from a deeper, more loving place, holding both them and myself with care. This ease of communicating helps to maximize productivity, by eliminating the need for personnel to de-gown to leave the . Note to self: Consider whether I would want to recommend using different forms of certain feeling words, or been more careful about certain words, and whether I would want to suggest owning the interpretive quality of certain feeling words (as Clean Talk does with regard to expressing judgments). Its assumed that it makes sense to look for ways to honor everyones needs, so that (to a very real extent) there are no winners and losers everyone gets to win. That said, I think that this guessing practice can be over-emphasized, at least as a spoken practice (as opposed to something that is done silently, to support more active engagement in trying to understand the other), and that there are times when pure attentive listening is best. But, practices like The Work of Byron Katie engage more directly in helping people to break free of the traps their beliefs set for them. Being compared negatively to someone else sure can sting. However, NVC notes some risks in expressing things in this way, and offers guidance as to how one might reduce those risks. You write "Imagine having a conversation with someone without making any judgments. Im open to feedback on the content of anything that I say, or on the way I express myself, and Ill be curious about how any of this is for you to receive. highlight potential weaknesses or limitations in NVC that I also have concerns about and/or where I find your perspective clarifying or intriguing; don't reflect NVC as I understand it, but rather reflect deficiencies in the way that NVC was presented to you (which does reflect ways others might also misunderstand/misapply NVC); offer things to think about and reflect on further; miss awareness of what NVC uniquely offers that is likely absent from Clean Talk. You may tell your significant other that youre not angry and are willing to talk things through, but if your posture and facial expressions say otherwise, they will assuredly pick up on it. I don't know enough about the particulars of the principal's situation to know for sure what I choice I would have made in her situation. You say "Clean Talk allows for the expression of anger in the same manner as other emotions and contrast this with NVCs encouragement to transform anger and then express what was at the heart of our anger. My sense is that NVC offers both means and encouragement to "acknowledge work well done or to offer blessing or support, and that doing these things is strongly encouraged in the NVC community. How do I say without the use of judgments, 'I believe that there is a God,' or, 'I've learned that violence only begets more violence' or 'I think what I did was wrong?. 4 Reasons Why "Clean Talk Communication" is Important. For example, "I want to be close to you, because I love you.". NVC isnt a narrow tool that is just about communication; in some way, its more like developing a meditation practice. Maybe I would need to see some examples of what you would enjoy better, to sense into the advantages. I dont see any problem with the systems focusing on different usages. And, it's likely this story was offered as an antidote to those who chronically under-prioritize connection. Actively transforming our judgments. You say that the Magician is the "head" or "mind" part of us, and share some quotes in which Marshall says". Want to start taking action on the content you read on AoM? Your Clean Talk examples provides a context that can soften this response but one can go further towards . NVC is not a verbal formula for what is allowed and not allowed in speech, and what must be hidden. The main risk is that, when anger is expressed, the listener is likely to infer the presence of blame and moralistic judgment, and this typically stimulates defensiveness in ways that are likely to interfere with optimal communication. Clean Talk TM is a communications approach specifically designed for expressing challenging or difficult messages by using language to evoke collaboration rather than compliance, proaction rather than reaction, and agility rather than rigidity. (NVC, p.151) and". But when you lead with that blame, the instigator will instantly erect walls of defensiveness that will make working through the issue together impossible. I perceive the demonstration as being about refraining from interacting until we can interact in a way that we trust is more likely to be productive. I notice that when I read this, I don't share or like the judgment of a "confusion of boundaries." DataBase of spam active IP & Email addresses. Our service allows you to focus your time on developing and improving the website and business, without being distracted by extraneous tasks. "You're acting so childish right now.". What is important about something NVC calls a need is that it: Focusing on needs ideally tends to support: Ultimately, I think some core goals of NVC are to offer a way of thinking and speaking that supports: NVC is intended to support a paradigm shift in how we relate to self and others, and how we invite others to relate to us. You say, "It's my belief that anger and other emotions are signals to let us know what's happening around us." Id like to offer some responses to your essay A Comparison of Clean Talk and Nonviolent Communication (NVC) which a colleague (Miki Kashtan) recently brought to my attention. I feel a little embarrassed, relieved to be clearer about what is happening, and hopeful that this act of transparency might in some way be useful.). And, at the same time, I get stressed when what I expected to have happen doesnt. How would you know to whom you were talking, or when the conversation started and ended, or when the other person had finished talking and it was your turn to speak? Again, NVC is totally in favor of people exercising discernment (what you call judgment), so this concern seems rooted in a premise that doesnt match my understanding of NVC. Post in topic forums and browse thousands of posts. I notice that you seem concerned about NVC practitioners not sharing certain things, yet I have no idea why not sharing these would be of concern. They hear something much different than you intended. Real-Time Email Address Existence Validation to increase your conversion rate. And, in the ways many individuals practice NVC, it doesnt always successfully do that. As to the risk of making empathy guesses (guesses about anothers observations, feelings, needs, etc.) Note to self: Maybe there would be value in articulating when speaking about discernment would have value. The body's immune system can also function more optimally by crowding out inflammatory . Posted Dec 2022 4:47 TED-Ed 4 things all great listeners know Consider your first example, in which I ask you to buy milk on your way home, and I hear you say you will, and you arrive home without it. Checking in with yourself about your own needs, you realize that your upset is linked to how much it would support ease and comfort in your relationship to have dependability, and trust that each of us will do what we say well do. In an earlier section, you quoted Rosenberg as being willing to say "'I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means." There is, of course, a danger that someone may not transform their anger, yet misinterpret NVC to mean they should pretend they're not angry, and this may lead to some of the sort of negative consequences you're concerned about. On the other hand, suppose you approach the performer and say, When I listened to you sing, my cares fell away and I felt joy and awe it filled me with a sense of beauty. In this case, even if the performer perceived mistakes in their performance, there is nothing to argue with in your report of your own subjective experience; regardless of how the performer enjoyed their own performance, they can take in the way that their performance contributed to you. An or else statement shouldnt be thrown around, and it shouldnt be punitive. Posted on . That is, if your partner is unwilling to meet your needs, create a plan to meet those needs yourself, but dont do so in a way thats specifically designed to punish your partner. Yes, making beliefs explicit and expressing them, can help with this but I wonder if there is support for realizing the tendency towards beliefs to be unduly limiting in the experiences they allow us to access? I don't have a sense that this is a problem that commonly arises in the ways that people try to put NVC into practice, but I would be interested to learn if it occurs more commonly than I'm currently aware of. Post your own photos or view from user submitted images. And, Im wondering what additional measures might support safety/nonviolence? Its true that most people will probably never get to a point of never having moralistic judgments. Thats how I apply NVC, with regard to interpretations and moralistic judgments. New Dawn Works is a Yelp advertiser. Given this understanding, Ive treated the advice to avoid interpretations as context dependent, something one does when one wants to focus attention on needs in order to transform a conflict. Through proven brand-building strategies, we position companies for success on the journey from brand awareness to brand loyalty. As I understand it, what Dr. Rosenberg says amounts to expressing concern about some nuances of how we appreciate and encourage one another, not something that goes against the basic idea. Many NVC practitioners express a need as a single word, in a way that isn't always as expressive an clear as it could be. You also say "Dr. Rosenberg isn't a Jungian, so perhaps he believes that it's possible to stop our inner river of judgments from flowing if we try hard enough.". And, if taken too literally, or applied at times where that guidance isn't as relevant, it could lead one astray. A few years ago, I facilitated a process to gather input from people around the world who cared about NVC, and people from 42 countries participated, in 4 languages (which was as much as we could logistically manage). Its hard to move forward if you keep rehashing the past; instead, let sleeping dogs lie. You offer some example of how (moralistic) judgments can leak out. The top U.S. and China economic officials held their first face-to-face meeting Wednesday, pledging to improve communication as a way to avoid more serious confrontation during a period of heightened Buy It Now. I have a sense that your "second-level want" is philosophically close to NVC's "need"both are about going to the deeper meaning that is at the heart of the conversation. In actual NVC conversations with people who dont know NVC, saying I need in a way that is likely to trigger a sense of obligation in the listener would be the total antithesis of NVC it would amount to making a demand (and NVC is specifically designed to be about not making demands) in the guise of what superficially appears to be NVC. This, at last, brings us to a point where there may be enough shared background for me to address certain of the issues you raised in your essay. You then quote Chapman Flack saying of watching Rosenberg "The effect is a curious picture of a man adroitly doing very fine, attentive thinking while insisting that it's not the thing to do.". Invisible to the visitors, spam protection has a positive effect on the loyalty of the site's audience. Instead of saying, ""Would you be willing to connect with me? I would be more inclined to say something like, Would you be willing to talk about this now, for about 5 minutes?. Regarding hurt and injured I agree that these are risky in that they can be held as implying an agent who caused these. CleanTalk uses protection methods which are invisible for ", (I notice that last statement seemed to be sort of a "dig", rather than a straightforward communication, so I want to pause to check on what's going on in me. Exploring these topics has been rich for me. . Talking about needs which are understandable to and valued by all serves as the basis for talking about what matters to people, including what matters interpersonally (which traditionally was thought to require moralistic language to address it). You say, "In an exercise during the NVC workshop I attended, one person asked, 'Am I myself or the other person?' NVC invites us to move out of the frame in which good/bad is the only means of expressing our enjoyment of others actions, and to provide more useful information to support others in understanding what we mean. Unfortunately, how to communicate with ones significant other in a healthy, positive way is something rarely taught to either men or women. Clean communication means keeping your voice as close to your normal tone and volume as possible. 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